Need Any Help?
by Ranowa Hikura
Summary: "Colonel, it's the group that always hazes the new recruits. They were following Ed, sir. ...I'm worried." "The last guy they went after ended up in the hospital. We need to find him!"


It was setting up to be a very good morning, Roy decided, pulling open the curtains in his office to let the sunlight stream in and looking down towards the courtyard below. No new paperwork as of yet. Coffee already made and still steaming. No sign of rain for miles. And, best of all, Ed was scheduled to bring in his report today.

He already had a list of new short jokes to try just waiting for him on his desk.

"Sir?"

Roy raised an eyebrow, turning at the knock on his office door to find Havoc and Fuery watching him, both looking a little unsettled. "What is it?" he asked, frowning at their obvious nerves. By the looks of them, this was something that could end up ruining his perfect morning.

Havoc cleared his throat, still tense and uncertain. "I was on my way in this morning, and... Colonel, it's the group that always hazes the new recruits. They were following Ed, sir. ...I'm worried."

Fuery piped up after that, looking sad and worried and anxious in a way that was just unbecoming of a military officer. "The last guy they went after ended up in the hospital. We need to find him, sir!"

Roy snorted, looking between his two worried subordinates in amusement. He briefly ran through what he remembered of the irresponsible gang in his head for a moment, then just smirked, leaning by the wall next to his window. "Yeah, I'll head after him in a minute."

Havoc blinked. "In a minute? Sir, aren't you worried? I know Ed's in the military now, so he needs to learn how to look after himself- but this is a bit harsh. There are five of them! For god's sakes, he's just _twelve!_ "

"Yes, I know," he agreed, chuckling.

"Sir..."

Roy raised a hand at his subordinates' nearly scandalized expressions, waving off their concern like he would a bothersome fly. He smirked again as he glanced back out his window, then had to hold back another chuckle when he saw the two familiar figures entering the courtyard. "Come over here for a minute, gentlemen," he said, gesturing for Havoc and Fuery to join him by the window. "I think our show is about to start."

After a moment, both his men hesitantly complied, clearly a little confused but not seeing what else to do. They moved to flank him, peering out the window from behind him- then both gasped when they realized what he was talking about.

"Sir, that's-!"

"Oh, no, we're too late..."

Eight stories below, one red-coated, miniature subordinate of his was crossing the courtyard, his huge, unmistakeable brother next to him. Around him, however, forming an impenetrable ring, were five more traditionally uniformed officers, two of whom were as hulking as Armstrong and one wielding what looked like a rifle. None looked friendly.

"Oh, no," Fuery murmured again from next to him, chewing on his fingernails. "Ed..."

Havoc pulled at his sleeve, trying to yank him back from the window. "Colonel, come on!We've got to get down there! Maybe if we run, we can still stop-"

"Relax, Lieutenant," he chuckled, barely able to hold back the laughter shaking his shoulders. "Just watch for a moment, will you?"

"Sir!"

Ignoring the aura of tension and outright fear around him, Roy folded his arms and looked back down towards the brewing conflict, unable to help another slight smirk. A few words were exchanged, and then, as one, the five soldiers began to advance on Ed and Al.

Almost immediately, a dust cloud of an explosion completely obscured their view of the fight.

In the ten seconds it took for the dust to clear, his staff fretted, Roy absentmindedly wished he had some popcorn to go along with the show- and Ed and Al did exactly what he paid them for.

Two of the men were now caught up in the air, squeezed in giant stone fists at least five feet above the ground and flailing about in a mad panic. Another was bound to the walkway by metallic restraints made from god only knew what. Two more were currently being used as Al's furniture- one as a chair, and another as a footrest.

And then, there was Ed: using one of his giant hands as a backrest, absentmindedly picking at his fingernails, and breezily ignoring everything else around him.

He could almost feel his staff switch from nervous to flabbergasted in an instant.

Still chuckling, Roy moved forward to lift the window up, leaning his head out just enough to behold the spectacle. "Good morning, Fullmetal!" he shouted, raising a hand in greeting.

Ed started a little, looking around before raising his head to stare up at him. The poor men in his grasp were given no respite by his distraction, however- one tried to worm his way out to escape, and was promptly given a rock to the head for his efforts; the others, after seeing how their friend had fared, had the good sense to stay still. "Morning, bastard!" he shouted back up at him, and Roy grinned.

"Need any help down there?"

"Does it look like it?!" Ed yelled, waving a hand dramatically. "Keep it up with the short jokes and this'll be you next, prick! _Need any help down there..._ feh, screw you!"

Roy couldn't help it now; he laughed. "Just checking!" He started to pull back from the window, then frowned and stuck his head back out again. "Make sure to release them before you come give me your report!"

"Eh, if I feel like it!"

Snorting, Roy stepped away from the window and pulled it shut, turning back to face his two, still stunned, subordinates with a grin. "I think he'll be fine," he said, and headed back towards his desk.


End file.
